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Browsing old images I have taken, realized how happy I was back then
Traversing through old memories, realized how bad I had turned out to be
I shouldn't have opened those images up
I wasn't ready
I'll never be ready
I just wanted to end it all
To find myself laying in a field of flowers
No more worries, no more sadness, no more anger, no more of a hollow shell
Freeing myself from being the puppet of a douchebag
After all
Memories should remain as memories
What now, other than waking up to a bunch of shit things, a fabricated life, a hollow shell, going to sleep without an end
Afterlife doesn't matter if the current life is nothing but like how people describe hell
Torturing, painful, helpless, set ablaze the "good" in your soul, no more being the naive kid, no more the days I wake up thinking for myself and not for others
It's me, standing on the platform, wating for that train, taking me to wherever it wanted, taking me to the end of the concept of time and life, sucking me into that endless abyss
only then I am no longer chained to my suffering
My feelings
They don't matter if nothing else matters
2
Things in this world don't tend to go well. If I go, I stay, it's still the same place
I failed at love, I failed at studying. I am the one who caused every arguments, my whole existence is just detrimental to the society
I know I still have to get going ,.. But with what's been going on throughout the last few months, I am too much wretched now
I have already been taking my prescribed (mental stabilizers) meds, and while it does help at times, my mind still is unstable
There are moments when I sense some relief, but the intrusive thoughts still persists
Likely due to the deep and overwhelming trauma I have endured
It seems that no matter how much I try to manage it, the ptsd still continues to fuck my mental state for now
1
I feel like I haven't loved people adequately, haven't expressed my feelings that I've had for years and years which never have gone away without having even interacted with them in so long
Up until this point I have survived suicidal thoughts that ramped up into ideation many times to varying degrees of intensity
It's really weird, that I am still alive
Maybe it's supposed to be that way because I have a fucked up borderline personality disorder brain
Maybe I am someone who would be dead if not for the threads that I hang by
I am someone who would be dead
Maybe some normal person would call my experience and how I can never get over exes or anything of that nature "attachment issues" but I'd phrase it as unending love and unending pain which is sustained by memories burnt into my brain
If I ever loved you, I still love you.
0
Hello! Welcome! First time trying to write a blog post. Not the exactly normal technical content you would expect here, but if you want to read it then it's here.
I know not a lot of people will check my blog, but I wanted to write in a place where I feel comfortable and free to express myself and my feelings.
Over the last year, I have had spurts of time where I really could not stand living anymore. My morale was up for a while but it is finally withering away.
Everyday I would wake up and wish something would kill me. For reasons I can't explain myself, I could not do it myself. I think I would cry myself asleep nearly every night, quietly trying to hide it from everyone.
I think part of the reason I never took taking my life into my own hands is because of the thoughts I am having now. For sometimes now, the thought of "i don't want to die alone" has been pulsating through my head along with the thought "I don't want to live anymore". These are of course contradictive thoughts. The other surrounding thought is just scenarios of me picturing in my head how I would die. I imagined falling from a building and leaving some notes and things I considered deep to my heart at the top of the building for someone to find or just jumping into traffic but I never had the courage to carry either out. I wanted something to kill me instead. Simply put, I am scared to die but...
I will admit though, I was reluctant to write this post. I feel that many people that have similar thoughts like this to me are in a much worse place. For one, I have a family that tries their best to make me happy. Unfortunately I feel a disconnect between them and myself. They don't know these thoughts that go through my head. I also have friends from high school that, while I haven't seen in person for a year now, are generally available to talk to. But this topic would only lead to judgement and weigh them down with dealing with someone like me who thinks like this. So I rarely bring it up or try to make a half hearted joke.
I think many of my fears revolve around 1. The lack of romance in my life that I so dearly desire. And 2. The fear of the future. I don't want to be alone for my life, but everyone around me has a significant other, and I am really scared for what i will do after I graduate university. I don't want to let my family down. I feel like I am a complete worthless person to them. For them to spend so much time and money on me, only for me to be a piece of shit failure is something I don't want to continue. I'd rather kill myself than waste any more of their life on me.
The second part is a little less agonizing as there is still time before the day, but I feel really behind others.
It's mainly the first part with some other problems as well. I once heard a phrase that went like something like this "The thing every person wants the most, is always the furtherest away".
Everytime I explain my situation to someone I know, whether it's a highschool friend or my family's friends children that are my age, it's always the same 2 answers:
"Just wait. You'll find someone"
Or
"You have to put in the effort"
Maybe I am just unworthy of anyone.
Maybe one day I will break this courage and just kill myself. But until then, I'm with these thoughts that hurt my heart with so much agony. I don't even cry anymore, I just feel my heart wrecked with pain.
I apologize for this long wall of nothingness text, and I'm sure most will see it as a pathetic complaint. I just wanted somewhere to write this and make my heart hurt a little less.